The Abyss Is Deeper Than It Looks
by Jameson Matthew Williams
Summary: The diary of Lovino Vargas holds some dark secrets no one ever wanted to know until after the incident... (mpreg)(drug use)
1. December, 1997 and January, 1998

**December 27th, 1997**

My first diary.

I don't know what feels so amazing about it; other people bragged about having one back in grade school, and now it feels ridiculous to. I mean... I'M SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. Why would Grandpa get me one for Christmas if there's no real reason to use it?

Hell, why am I using it now?

Maybe it's just because none of them understand. And then... you'll listen.

Yeah, that's it. Maybe I'll use you from now on.

 _Yours, Lovino_

 **December 29th, 1997**

School starts back on the third. I'm not ready for this. I push people around for using my brother as a doormat, pretty much. Feli belongs to my heart.

And I want to see Antonio again. I won't say anything else on that matter... or any other one.

 _Yours, Lovino_

 **January 1st, 1998**

Look at that.

New Year's.

What's so fucking special about it?

 _Yours, Lovino_

 **January 3rd, 1998**

Life takes rough turns, doesn't it?

I finally got the courage to ask Antonio out, and he turned me down... for fucking Bella!!

My friend. She was so nice, and she accepted a date from that bastard. Now she's going to be one. Congratulations, Bella.

I don't even love Antonio anymore.

 _Yours, Lovino_

 **January 4th, 1998**

I went out for ice cream after school. I needed it... and then I met Andres and his roommate, Flavio. Two years older than me and not going to college. They sat next to me and we started to talk and eventually I got their address and number and I'm going over to their apartment tomorrow, or maybe the next day.

 _Yours, Lovino_

 **January 9th, 2998**

Has it really been five days? Gosh. School had me occupied. But I did go over to Flavio's and Andres's place on the 6th. It was pretty big, and I kind of got to see what they were like. Andres barely spoke, and Flavio always wore sunglasses and had this mysterious bite mark on his right arm that I just couldn't figure out the origin of.

Maybe I'll find out one day.

 _P.S.- I'm going to stop putting my signature here. Just wastes space and makes me look like a weakling._

 **January 11th, 1998**

I'm going to visit some friends over in Berlin in Summer. Grandpa said Feli will stay with him, but I'm going away. I'll he staying with Feli's pen-pal, Ludwig and his brother, Gilbert. I have their address and pictures.

Ludwig looks Aryan, and probably is, considering that he's German. Gilbert is an albino, silver hair and red eyes. He's got this weird bird accessory on his head, but it looks so real I want to pet it.

Can't wait to meet them!

 **January 14th, 1998**

Nothing really. I just wonder what Germany's like.

 **January 15th, 1998**

Other students brag about not being virgins. I wonder what that feels like. Is it a good feeling? Maybe I'll ask Grandpa, but knowing myself, I probably won't.

 **January 17th, 1998**

You don't even know what this feels like for me. My grades went up from C's and D's up to all A's, well, except for one B, which was just a 92. Grandpa was so happy with my report card, he made me a cannoli.

It was so good.

At my school, 93 is the minimum grade you need to get an A.

 **January 20th, 1998**

Tomorrow's Saturday. On Saturday nights, Feli leaves the house to go out with his friends for a bit and Grandpa does whatever he does then, so I'm always alone. Normally I blast music while I do whatever the fuck I feel like until they get back.

 **January 21st, 1998**

I didn't get my Saturday.

Feli never left the house due to a cold, so Grandpa went out to get some medicine for him. Since the next drug stores are a couple hours away on their own (we don't have a car), I had to stay and take care of Feli.

He was so needy!! Get this, get that, do this, do that, put this here, put this there... ugh!! I get that he's sick, but... damn, child!! Grandpa was back around dinnertime and Feli fell asleep after he got his medicine.

My day was shit, and now I've got to wait until next weekend.

 **January 24th, 1998**

One of the students that I chat with from time to time has been absent for the past couple of months. After talking with his friends, I found out that he was going to have a baby and that's why he had to stay home.

This would sound off to my family (I'm normally very aggressive), but I wish I had a baby. That would be all I ever needed in life; a child to care for and love as my very own. Now I wish I could lose my virginity just to have a chance. I want a baby so bad.

 **January 25th, 1998**

Fucking fuck.

Feli fell off the sidewalk and sprained his entire left leg on the asphalt. Now I've got to stay home with him until he can walk again.

Just gotta call up Andres and Flavio later.

 **January 26th, 1998**

I did call them. Flavio answered, cheery as ever, and I explained my situation and Feli and all that shit. He understood and even drove over to drop off some ointment and gauze, along with bandages. Feli whined a bit when I wrapped his leg, but at least he could stand and walk a bit.

I called Flavio again and told him I was grateful. He chuckled and said it was no big deal before saying he had to get ready for work and he had to go. Then he hung up.

Doesn't he realize it is a big deal?!

 **January 27th, 1998**

This may shock you, but I've been invited to a party on the sixteenth! I, stupid little Lovino Vargas, have been invited to a party!!

I can't fucking wait.

 **January 29th, 1998**

17 days until the party.

Can't fucking wait, you know. Good thing I found out, Antonio's not invited, so I don't have to deal with that fucking piece of shit while I'm trying to have a good time.

 **January 30th, 1998**

16 days.

Feli can walk alright (as long as he has his bandages on, of course) and now we can both go back to school. We'll both go tomorrow (we missed our time today because Feli was still feeling bad). We'll have some make-up work to do, but it'll be worth it for my little brother.

 **January 31st, 1998**

15 days. Just a little over two weeks.

I'm getting closer to meeting new people, getting a chance to have sex, and I'm probably going to get some alcohol. I'd love to try some booze.


	2. February, 1998

**February 2nd, 1998**

14\. Two weeks.

Ugh, today. I was trying to find a place to sit in the cafeteria when that popular kid, Jones, pulled down my pants _and_ underwear, showing off my dick for the whole world to see. And to think I laughed when it happened to other people!

Karma is a strange mistress; she always comes back no matter what.

 _P.S.- I was off by a day on the party count the last few days (it was easier to calculate in the same month)._

 **February 9th, 1998**

7 days. Just a week!

Sorry for not writing in an entire fucking week; a lot of shitty homework was given to us and it was all UUUGGGGHHHHH.

Trust me when I say: (x = 48/6 · 79 62 - (-9) [FIND X]) is not fun.

 **February 10th, 1998**

Six days.

All I really have today is a joke Feli taught me:

Why couldn't the man get a novel from the library? Because it was booked.

 _P.S.- I hate puns._

 **February 13th, 1998**

Three more fucking days!!!

I met a guy today. We go to the same school and we live right next to each other, so we can see each other whenever we leave for school now!! His name is Arthur Kirkland, and he's actually kind of cute. He's got light blond hair and emerald green eyes, along with a British accent that makes my heart flutter.

Do I have a crush on Arthur?!

 **February 15th, 1998**

Tomorrow!!!!!!!

I was hanging out with Arthur today when the craziest thing happened!

We got ice cream and just sat in the park. He was done with his by the time I was only halfway done, so I was shocked when he leaned over and kissed my cheek!! I didn't do anything in response, but I was blushing so hard and he was laughing. When he brought me home, he kissed the top of my hand before leaving.

He likes me!! But... do I like him back?

 **February 17th, 1998**

I wish I had never gone to that party.

They all decided to play a party game halfway through, so I joined in. They pulled out different kinds of soda, and each one was different. We just had to choose one. I chose Pepsi, thinking that this was just a lame attempt to get rid of drinks. But I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

I sat next to Matthias Køhler on the couch, beginning to drink it. I groaned after drinking about a quarter of the bottle, unable to keep myself upright. I fell back, my head landing on his lap. He pet me and told me that he would care for me, but all his colours were scrambled and there were three of him and his voice was all slow and distorted. I tried to speak to him, but my voice only came out in a high-pitched laugh that kept going on. I eventually rolled off of Matthias's lap and onto the floor.

I looked up at the ceiling, and I saw thousands and thousands of colours at once. I looked all around, and everything was all distorted and slow and incredibly colourful. Before I knew it, I had passed out.

When I came to, Arthur was holding me and carrying me bridal style upstairs. I asked what happened. He explained that the party game was that only certain bottles of the soda had LSD in them. All those colours and the distortion and slowness was a drug trip. Grandpa would kill me if he knew!!

But I liked it. It felt so good, that drug trip. I want to do it again, and try more!!

 **February 26th, 1998** So many things have happened over the past nine days.

Arthur is going on a month-long vacation to Scotland, so I won't see him for a long time. In the meantime, Andres and Flavio both do drug dealing and they gave me some pot, but I have no idea how to smoke it, so maybe I'll ask Køhler's boyfriend, Pedersøn, considering he sells the shit.

Now I'm just concerned that liking drugs and buying them from others makes me an addict. Does it?

 **February 28th, 1998**

End of the month. I've been popping a Benny when I can't stay awake in class, and I've been slipping acid into my granola bars and shit.

Drugs aren't bad!!


End file.
